Cutting ties with people who hurt you isn’t enough. You must also cut ties with the version of yourself that allowed that treatment to go on.

Cutting ties with people who hurt you isn’t enough. You must also cut ties with the version of yourself that allowed that treatment to go on.

Many of us have been in relationships with friends, family members, employers, employees, teacher, coaches, clients, or romantic partners who have hurt us in the course of time.

The hurt can be repeated circumstances or it can be a single incident, but at some point, the severity of the experience gives us cause or reason to sever the relationship and move onwards with our lives. The damage that they have caused, outweighs the potential benefit of continuing to find the value in keeping that relationship in place. 

In the case of abusive repetition, there are generally two parts to the equation. If we are willing to allow the abuse to continue to our personal detriment, we must also own part of the problem as being ours, and work diligently to extricate ourselves from that entanglement, however we may, and as quickly as our circumstances will allow. 

In many cases those are not instantly achievable. Financial ties and circumstances may bind someone to another in a professional or personal relationship. In spousal abuse scenarios it is quite common that the abused spouse is emotionally tied to their abusive spouse and their emotional ties are too hard for them to pack up and walk away. It gets even more complex with children in the equation.

In other situations, such as an abusive trainer, coach, or mentor, the person finds themselves needing the guidance and wisdom of the abuser, such that they feel they will never achieve their dream without access to said person.

In all cases, there is a portion of this dynamic that is clearly attached to the person who is being abused. There is a part within themselves that stays in that abusive scenario… that  part within them must be dealt with first, prior to enabling them to find the courage, determination or discipline to make the decision that enough truly is enough, and initiate the severance once and for all.

When that determination is finally acknowledged and reinforced by enough willpower to seize the moment and head for the door, the abused party has finally gone deep within and found the courage and self respect to recognize beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have maxed out on this relationship dynamic. They sever the internal ties with the victim persona that is living within them and get clear that they will no longer be willing to accept or tolerate this behavior. 

In most cases, this must result in a complete disconnect between them and the abusive party because the abusive entity has already established an internal rhythm in this relationship that they will almost without question, slide right back into, once the confrontation energy has dissipated. 

Standing up for oneself requires courage, focus, stamina, fortitude and willpower. Finding these resources within yourself when you are being abused is a difficult task, from which many will shy away and tolerate the abuse rather than mature into whom they must become to grow out of it. If you know someone who is suffering from such a circumstance, stand by them and be most understanding, because you do not see what they see, nor feel what they feel. You have an objective perspective that they cannot rationalize…. So help them slowly see what you see, and help them mature into the strength required to cut the ties and leave forever.

Happy Friday!

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Written by Brian Weiner
When I was 5 years old, I discovered that the lemon tree in the backyard + dixie cups + water and sugar and I was in business. I have been hooked on that ever since. In 1979, I borrowed $14,000 to create a brand new product... photographic greeting cards with no text on the inside, called Paradise Photography. That was the start of The Illusion Factory. Since then, The Illusion Factory has been entrusted by all of the major studios and broadcasters with the advertising and marketing of over $7 billion in filmed, live, broadcast, gaming, AR, VR and regulated gaming forms of entertainment, generating more than $100 Billion in revenue and 265 awards for creativity and technology for our clients. When I took a break from film school at UCLA to move to Hawaii, my mother did not lecture me. Instead, she took 150 of her favorite aphorisms and in her beautiful calligraphy, wrote them artistically throughout a blank journal. That is the origin of the Lessons from the Mountain series. Since then, on my journeys to the top of a mountain to watch the sunrise, I have spent countless hours contemplating words of wisdom from the sages of all races, genders and political persuasions, constantly accumulating the thoughts to guide me on my life path. I hope you enjoy my books. Please let me know your thoughts, as I highly value your feedback!