Fear is that prison that locks you in self doubt.

LAKSHITA

How many times have you second guessed yourself into not doing something? 

From the tiniest thing like asking a question in an auditorium when the moderator asks for questions from the audience, all the way up to making a huge personal or career move, self doubt has an ugly way of rearing its head at the most inopportune occasions.

Why does that self doubt show up? More often than not, it is motivated by a fear. Be that failure, or embarrassment, or public humiliation, or just an internal beacon that makes one feel as if we just do not have the goods to deliver on that front.

Are these feelings founded in any form of accuracy? At times, yes. But many times, not at all. There are moments in which we are poised and ready for something of magnitude to transpire. We have prepared, we are confident, we are in position to make that move, and yet…. A voice from deep within rains on the parade, and before we know it, all of those dreams are in the rear view mirror.

The truth is that life does not have to be that way. Not in the least. 

The secret to changing that lies solely within. You just have to stop giving a fuck about the outcome.

You have to give more consideration to you and your dream or your desire. And the truth is that sometimes you will fail, and you will not succeed and you might have to weather some public discomfort (most of which is in your perception and less in the reality of other people). I would share that having some of these failures and moments of discomfort are, in actuality, a very good thing. Experiencing these allows you to discover that you will survive them. And you will be stronger for having done so.

Then, the next time you are at such a crossroad, the fear of failure will not be so ominous. You can see that demon for what it is and know that you survived before and you will do so again…. And even more important, you may very well succeed this time because you are less weighted down by your own apprehension and fear.

Life is clearly meant to be lived. It requires determination, focus, optimism, strong values, and more than all of the others… a devout belief in yourself. 

The fear will always show up. That is normal. The bigger issue is your ability to compartmentalize that fear and recognize it for what it is. When it arises, address it, and then promise your inner child that “I’ve got this,” and allow your universal parent to take control of your being… and nail it!

Stay strong. Be brave.

Happy Wednesday!

To live fully, we must learn to use things and love people, and not love things and use people.

BUDDHA

How many possessions in your life do you really love? Forgetting about the items that are life essential, and solely focusing on the ones that are in your life because you appreciate them for some reason or another, how many would you estimate you have?

In contrast, how many people do you have in your life that you genuinely love?

Whatever ratio you are able to produce from the two questions above will give you a metric as to the things in life that you ultimately value.

Morality is, for the most, part taught at home. An absence of such creates a void in a human being who works to traverse the world to their benefit while simultaneously missing some of the core ingredients that make for a fully realized life.

Without that morality, the person is left to find their moral compass through the observation of others while simultaneously transposing their life experience atop a series of variables that have manifest out of their own personal encounters with others.

When a person is enlightened, they recognize the higher value in another human being, and in doing so, they discover an even higher value within themselves. How could this not be so?

It is only through the personal determination to rise above societal norm that a person is able to look past their possessions in order that they might see the greater wealth in life that arises from meaningful relationships stemming out of respect for others.

Possessions are a wonderful accoutrement in life, but so many of us make the mistake of valuing them above and beyond everything else, and only through self realization comes the opportunity to transcend the attachment to those possessions in order that we might discover and even deeper value system within our own being. 

Happy Tuesday!

It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.

ARISTOTLE ONASSIS

Winston Churchill shared, “When you are walking through Hell, keep walking.”

On Memorial Day, it strikes me as very important to remember those who forced themselves to continue in service of country, and who made the ultimate sacrifice in the process.

In times of strife, fear, disappointment, despair, and overwhelm, there truly is only one answer to get through the variables which you are confronting.

In those moments, our only alternative is to dig deep within, find some element to hold onto, and create an internal focus that drives us through the moment and into the next. 

For some it comes in the form of prayer, and others, through focus and determination. In either case, the person is leveraging their mind to bring solutions and options to the forefront of the cacophony that surrounds them. It causes many of the distractions to take a back seat to solving the matter at hand, and only then do the opportunities they are praying for or meditating on, manifest into reality. 

One might argue that it is in the darkest moments that it is the most difficult to focus on anything. In fact, complete surrender appears far more inviting than toughening up and facing whatever it is that is so oppressive as to make the rest of life interminable. 

If you have survived such a moment as almost all of us have, you will reflect on what you ultimately did that allowed you to transverse the chasm from chaos back into sanity. In most cases, I would presuppose that they action taken started by facing the cold hard facts without any sugar coating. From those facts would arise an unmistakeable truth. One that may very well shake us to the core and leave us trembling in the new reality we are facing. That is the crucible for change. For in that completely raw, unprotected state of acceptance comes the opportunity for the most important step… evaluating one’s options, given the honest assessment of what is genuinely available at one’s disposal. 

With all of the fantasy solutions eliminated, one is finally left with options. The options may not be inviting or exciting, but they are what they are. Upon making a choice and initiating one or more options at that moment, the empowerment of having gone through that experience becomes the foundation for the next chapter of one’s life. 

When it is diagrammed, it appears so obvious and simple, yet when we are in misery, in the thick of such an experience, the choices are blurred by hope, desire, fantasy, ego and other filters that honestly impede any such progress.

When Aristotle, (one of the wealthiest shipping magnates in history), makes such a statement, his choice of the word focus (I believe) is to weed out all of the distractions that bear no value other than creating distraction from the task at hand, and turn all internal resources into valuable allies that will help one navigate the narrow chasm through which they must pass in order to arrive at the appropriate positive conclusion. 

If you look at most dramatic stories, you will notice that the protagonist, almost without exception, is forced to such a pinnacle moment of crisis right at the very end of the film. It is called “the apparent defeat.” In this moment, the protagonist must defeat the antagonist, in order that they may achieve the desire that has driven the entire story. In real life, you are that protagonist, and you must defeat the antagonist that is oppressing you in order that you may pass through the chasm into safe harbor.

Happy Memorial Day! 

If your voice held no power, they wouldn’t try and silence you.

It is immaterial which side of the discussion you are siding with. At the end of the day, the great power of freedom of speech is the ability to be outspoken. To make your thoughts, feelings and concerns, known.

The whole world of freedom of speech is convoluted, confusing, frustrating and it could not be more important. In a representational democracy, the needs of the public are presumably made into law by the elected representatives that serve as their voice in the respective seats of government. 

As the United States veers ever further from being a representational democracy, the voices of special interests have grown so powerful as to squelch the voice of the individual into a squeak, when it was once a lion’s roar. 

This could not be any more evident than the tragedy unfolding in our nation with respect to the gun lobby. There have already been 256 school shooting incidents in the United States since Jan 1, 2022.  Certainly no person wants to know their child is going to a place that could become a massive tragedy.

Even if you are a strong proponent of the 2nd Amendment and the Right to Bear Arms, as a parent, you cannot be comfortable with the escalation of these experiences and the devastation and horrific grief that they perpetuate in our society.

People are quick to become numb to anything that happens with frequency, no matter how horrible those events truly are. If those events are continuously followed up by politicians expressed (feigned) disbelief and offering their prayers and condolences to the surviving family members, and no further action is taken, then you have one of two choices. Complacency and acceptance, or standing up and being counted.

One of the only weapons you have in life is your ability to stand up for what you believe in. To vocalize your perspective and to share it appropriately as may be required.

Your voice and your opinion do matter. Your children’s safety and your own safety in a world so populated with weapons also matters.

If you are courageous and determined to see progress unfold, it must start with your voice.

Happy Friday!

Be kind to the past versions of yourself that didn’t know the things you know now.

How could I have possibly been so stupid??!!

I think all of us have thought that at one time or another. It is almost inevitable if you are out in the world, trying things, attempting things, pushing yourself to do and be more than you currently are. We take leaps of faith. We make assumptions that are invalid. We follow a hunch and in many cases…. We are totally wrong and things implode.

So what?

So when you lose, do not lose the lesson… but even more important, be kind to yourself. Presumably you were doing your best when those decisions were being made. You had options, even if they were limited, you made a choice and even if it did not play out as hoped, you are a different person for the experience. And honestly, that is what matters.

You may have lost the deal, or the relationship, or the opportunity, or the experience, or the award. 

So what?

Life happens. 

If you have substance and determination, then your persistence and your tenacity and your ability to evolve are far more important than any of the other variables that you may be lamenting after such a chapter in life. Even if these qualities do not stand out to you as the options you wished to have as a result of your efforts, they are what you are holding. So at that moment, your cup is either half full or half empty.

If you waste time regretting and feeling shame and disappointment, you are aging yourself needlessly. It is normal to feel the disappointment, and sometimes the despair that comes at chapters like this. But at a certain point, the pity party must end and action towards next progress must begin. 

Surprisingly, I have found that in my darkest chapters of disappointment and regret, the chink in the armor that needs to be found to cure my ill feelings is to awaken into the new reality that has been created post the loss or mistake at hand. When I can recognize that it is time to climb back upon the horse that threw me (metaphorically speaking), then I have found the footing to take the steps to leave the wallowing in pity and self doubt behind me and instead focus on what am I going to do to be stronger and even more on top of my game going forward. 

If you do not take the big risks in life, you are destined to live in mediocrity. That is a choice that works for many, but if you are one who wants to attempt the much bigger things in life, then part of that journey is being kind to whom you once used to be. That is the hero who catapulted you to where you are now, and you are standing on the shoulders of that giant who loved you enough to deliver you to this very moment.

Happy Thursday!

I must admit, I enjoy this aphorism and opted to spotlight it today as our nation tries desperately to regress into a Handmaid’s Tale scenario.

One only need look at the short list to prove this true:

#1: Cleopatra VII, Ptolemaic Queen of Egypt
69 – 30 BC

Her life is historic. Her death is legendary. She was a political mastermind who went from initially ruling with her relatives to the sole pharaoh of Ancient Egypt. As Julius Caesar’s ally and “baby-mama,” she influenced the fate of two empires. One of the richest women in history, Cleopatra is bar-none the most popular Queen to have ever lived.

#2: Elizabeth I of England
1533 – 1603

“The Virgin Queen,” “Gloriana,” or simply “Good Queen Bess,” Elizabeth I defined an era. A politically stabilizing force, she oversaw England’s colonial expansion. Her patronage of the arts led to a plethora of English masterpieces, including the works of Shakespeare. 

#3: Catherine the Great of Russia
1729 – 1796

She rose from a low-level German princess to celebrated Russian Empress. With the successful acquisition of new territory and her introduction of new religious and educational reforms, Catherine the Great turned Russia from a medieval backwater into a major European player.

The actual list is considerably longer, I list these three iconic women as examples of how ass backwards the white male dominated decision makers in the United States are being when it comes to telling women what they can and cannot do with their own bodies.

Women are a force to be reckoned with. They are equals, if not superior to men (as we cannot bear children and they can) and should be treated a such, paid as such and respected as such. Watching this new wave of chauvinism wash over the world like a repressive wave of ignorance is outright insulting to anyone who has a brain.

I firmly believe that any man who is worth a damn, and secure enough in their own self worth should wake up and recognize that women are being trod upon in countless ways. They suffer discrimination across the board and it is just unthinkable in 2022 that this ignorance can continue.

Happy Tuesday!

I know my worth. I’ve paid dearly for every ounce of it.

ALFA HOLDEN

Some days, life feels like all that you have struggled for, all that you have put your energy into, has ignored you. It may arise out of moments in which you are working harder than ever before for diminishing returns.

Or a specific key conversation with someone goes wrong. You find yourself overlooked for something you have counted on. Or you have an expectation of someone or some organization that does not go as expected. 

Those are the days that today’s aphorism must be stored in your metaphorical hip pocket. Those are the days that you have to seek your own validation because there is nothing in your hemisphere that is going to empower you. All of your empowerment has to come from within.

I picked this aphorism for today because it is Friday the 13th. A day that was put into my mind at an early age as being the unlucky day. Eight years ago, I was scheduled on a Friday the 13th to retake my black belt test. I had failed my first test for black belt because I broke my focus when some kid’s kindly grandmother smiled at me during my forms. I do not know why it happened, but I missed a beat and all that hard work had been lost. It was a fail. And failure is not an option in my life. So it was a hard pill to swallow. My instructor made me work an additional 4 months before he would let me take the test again. So I worked ever harder, turning my 3rd degree red belt into almost pink because of all the sweat I poured into making sure I was black belt material. Finally, Mr. Gyro told me I could retest on Friday the 13th. 

I would be lying if I said that the weird date did not spook me a bit. And, as fate would have it, it was not a positive day at the office either, we had some setbacks and my mind was reconciling them, while working to stay in the focus to get ready to test. I sat in the parking lot eating a black licorice and listening to Stairway to Heaven live from the Song Remains the Same concert (a ritual for my black belt exam) and I had one last thought before I went in to take this most important of exams.

“Maybe Friday the 13th is the luckiest day of the year for me! I have worked my ass off to get here. I know everything there is to know. So the only thing that is going to keep me from getting there is me.” I got focused, went in and tested. I got to the end of the test, and knew I had passed and once again, amnesia kept me from remembering I would need to break a 1” piece of pine at the end. We got to that moment and I was wasted. Drenched in sweat, exhaustion, set off by the joy in knowing I had finally gotten there. When he called me up and told me I was going to break this board with an elbow strike, I did not even think twice about it. He held the board, instructed how this strike would work (I had never tried this before) and when he nodded his head, my forearm smashed right through that pine and knocked both halves out of his hands.

Life tries to beat the crap out of you. Know your worth. You have paid dearly for every ounce of it.

Go out and make things happen.

Happy Friday the 13th!

She has been through hell, so believe me when I say fear her when she looks into a fire and smiles.

ECORONA

Winston Churchill said, “When you’re going through hell, keep going.”

Isn’t that the truth?

There are moments that make us, and quite often… they stem directly from the moments that look to break us.  We are put to extreme challenges over the course of time, and as we emerge, we are genuinely forged in flame and tempered like steel. They say that man is like steel, when we lose our temper, we collapse.

I am sure we all wish it were different, but the truth is that when we are working to achieve brilliance, there is seldom a path to such that is not fraught with countless obstacles, disappointments, fears, frustrations, and failures.

But something deep inside causes us to accelerate out of these moments of conflict and enables us to find our true course in life. I have tried on many an occasion to write about these intangible variables, in hopes that I might leave behind me a trail of breadcrumbs that will teach the next one in my path how they might approach the continuous stream of messages that try desperately to beat the living daylights out of our hopes and dreams.

And yet, the words never seem to do justice to the actual real experience. At some point, words fall short of the deeper, innate understanding that this is your calling, knowing deep in your heart that you are the right person to achieve it, and absolutely nothing will stand in your path.

The tenacity and indomitable will required to achieve those calibre experiences are imperative to getting there. If you do not have these qualities, then you will be required to manifest them. If you are scared, stop and stare fear in the face, if you are shy, suck it up and get over it, and if you lack faith in yourself, then you had best cultivate it.

Nothing shy of these qualities will enable you to traverse the insanity of the path you have opted to travel.

And then….one day… you too will look into a fire and smile.

Happy Wednesday!

You’ll end up really disappointed if you think people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.

The first step in curing these issues is to drop expectations and attachment. 

Zen philosophy points to attachment as the root of so many issues.

Are you attached to things, people, outcomes, impressions, opportunities, etc.?

Do you calculate in advance the possibilities of how any of these variables actually tie together when life runs its course?  I believe we all do. If you put energy into a labor or job, you are attached to the outcome in several ways. You feel accomplishment at the completion of the task. You also seek reward for the effort in whatever compensation that task engenders. If you make an effort to dress for a job, a date, an occasion, you are attached to others feeling good about the way you look, to reinforce your expectations of such. If you are a collector of things, you are attached to your possessions and find great joy in having them.

So it seems normal that if you are in any kind of friendship, professional or personal relationship, you will be attached to the dynamic that this particular relationship brings you. And right there is the potential problem. If you do things for others with expectation of any form, you are creating an attachment to that outcome. It is akin to buying someone a gift that you are so excited to give them, and when they discover what it is…. You are waiting with anticipation of their reaction. If the reaction is positive, your attachment cycle has been fulfilled, and any reaction less than that allows your joy to start to decrease proportionately.

Such is the human dynamic. If you are the type of person who likes to do for others, then you are most wise to do it with the sole expectation that the act of doing it brings you the joy you seek. As soon as you attach your expectation to their reaction, you have already cut your joy short by limiting it to the reaction it engenders. You have no control over what they are feeling. Nor do you know their mood or extenuating circumstances in their world that preclude their ability to respond as you have fantasized. 

When you then expect that they will reciprocate in kind, that is where you find your largest potential disappointment. In that expectation, you have now transposed your feelings, your energy, your behaviors onto another, with hopes that they will not disappoint you. If you have just extended yourself on their behalf and they continue to deliver lackluster energy in response, you are left with a few options. The first is to become disappointed, because you had projected they would do for you as you have done for them. The second is to be disengaged, in which you have zero emotional response to whatever you get in return because you are more indifferent than not.

But the third option (I believe) is the healthiest one. In this option, you give and do for them because in doing so, it makes you feel wonderful. If they do not reciprocate, you do not have an emotional reaction. Their lack of reciprocity is genuinely secondary to the reason you do what you do. If their reactions are not what you seek, then find others with whom to share your gifts and let it go. 

If you can find your joy in just doing because it is what makes you, you….then you should do it with open heart and eliminate all attachment to the outcome. Just do it because it makes you feel wonderful. Then, if they are not on par with your efforts, you must learn to eliminate the disappointment that this makes you feel.

It is not an easy lesson. It takes strength, emotional stability and a willingness to encounter that disappointment with your human quality, feel that brief tang of getting less than might have returned, and then immediately drop it and continue just being you.

Happy Friday!

A wise man was asked what is anger? He gave a beautiful answer… It is a punishment we give to ourself, for somebody else’s mistake.

Is is really possible to just let go of anger?

To experience something that is offensive, intrusive, aggressive or other form of mental, verbal or physical hostility that contradicts our sense of fairness or invades our personal space… and just be chill about it?

Buddha said that holding onto anger is like holding onto a hot coal, you are the one who gets burned.

I have wrestled with this one for decades, presuming that I might be able to grow into that frame of mind. As of this writing, I confess I have not elevated myself to this level.

So I asked myself, why? If higher consciousness presumes that this is possible, what continues to hold me back, keeping me in a position of anger and annoyance when it would be so much healthier (for me) to let it go? I still do not have a great answer to this one. I can read this aphorism and other variants of such, and understand the lesson, recognize the benefits and yet, when the inflection moment strikes, I am reduced to the lowest vibrational frequency.

The logic of their argument makes great sense. If you can recognize that the inflection moment is what it is, and you can place a flashcard between you and your reaction, then you have a chance to respond, rather than reacting. That is the key difference.

A response is a calculated, thought-through reply. A reaction is knee jerk and is (in most cases) something that you will more than likely regret at a later time.

If we are wise and our mindset is mature, we are more able to recognize the act that causes the anger, compartmentalize it and take the necessary time to calculate our response. That said, more often than not, we just react. (Or at least, I most certainly do). But over the years, as my reactions have caused me further distress and my responses have pushed me further towards the places I really wish to grow, it has become easier to find the buffer that quells the reaction and elevates the likelihood of finding the solace to generate a proper and fitting response.

Our reactions to another’s do cause us a penalty in life. There is no denying it. If nothing else, each and every minute we spend working to reduce the anger they caused us is time in our life wasted on needless emotion. You might reply that it is natural and perhaps so, but just because it is natural, does not mean it is healthy.

So the next time you find your anger triggering, I invite you to try to place a similar flashcard in your mind that says, “why would I sacrifice part of my life with needless feelings to repay them for their thoughtless behavior?”

Hope it works!

Happy Wednesday!